Friday, 29 November 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #14 - How To Invade The Planet Earth


Last week, Film School Friday taught our loyal readers how to survive an awkward family gathering but in the real world, there are far more dangerous things we must learn to survive if we're going to make it to 2014. Global warming. Terrorism. Miley Cyrus...But all of these threats to civilization mean nothing if we don't survive as a species. Movies have taught me literally everything I know and so I can guarantee that even if we survive these other threats, aliens will invade the planet Earth. Game over man, GAME OVER!

Now I don't know why alien species want our planet so badly. Maybe their own planet is dying out or maybe it's for the twinkies, but whatever the reason, we need to prepare, so let's get inside the mind of our enemy and pretend for just a few minutes that we are the invading force. That way, we'll know best how to defend ourselves, so polish your laser guns, wash your spaceships and lube up your probes as we read today's lesson.

Lesson #14 - How To Invade The Planet Earth

There are as many ways to invade the planet earth as there are Starship Troopers films (three, there are three), but just like parts of the franchise, not all of them work particularly well. For starters, I'd be surprised if any real aliens actually initiated Plan 9, as made famous by Ed Wood. What's the point of taking over the planet if all you've got left are ravenous zombies to conquer? Your probes will just get all mushy as soon as you insert them and no one wants that. Alternatively, you could dazzle the earthlings with cheap CGI, lulling them into a false sense of security. It worked for Transformers and Skyline so it could work for you too...Oh wait. It didn't work and those films were awful. Let's strategize.

Michael Bay The Hell Out Of Them!

If you're not in the mood for human slaves, you could just unleash your deadly arsenal on the world's most famous landmarks. Not only will you lower the morale of the pathetic earthlings but you'll look so fricking awesome doing it! How amazing was it when the aliens from Independence Day blew the crap out of the White House? There's no point cowering in the shadows when you can just show off your self perceived superiority and draw as much attention to yourselves as possible. You know, like an alien race of Anne Hathaway's!

Timing Is Everything

There's nothing wrong with going all guns blazing if you've got the tech to back it up, but you can't be completely mindless with it. Those bastard earthlings have a knack for defending the earth from invading forces so you must choose your time wisely. Don't wait until the Earths Mightiest Heroes have assembled into a cohesive fighting unit. The last thing you want is a gamma irradiated toddler smashing up your giant worm things. But what if your faceless army aren't enough to overwhelm the humans defenses? You could always begin your invasion in a place no one actually cares about, but then even the aliens who attacked a council estate in Attack The Block had a hard time defeating the humans. Who would have thought benefit fraudsters could be humanity's last line of defense eh?
On The Sly

The alternative to all out invasion is the sneaky approach. You could develop crappy cloaking devices like the aliens in Predator but they're not ideal for planet conquering. What they are good for is hiding gross vagina faces. Alternatively, budding alien invaders could go the Superman route instead. Pretend to be a champion of the people and bide your time, pretending to use your powers for good. Then, just when everyone trusts you as their loyal protector, shock the humans by enlisting Ben Affleck to star as you in a Batman crossover. They'll never recover from the devastation.

Snatch Those Bodies

If these extremely well thought out tactical suggestions still aren't working for you, then you need to go even deeper. Invading the planet is not enough. To truly conquer earth, you must invade the people themselves... tee hee! However, many aliens have attempted this method but ultimately, how successful were they? The teachers in The Faculty either died or returned to normal, the shape-shifter from The Thing (arguably) froze to death with Kurt Russell and the infected from The Invasion eventually returned to the blandness of their day to day human lives. Without an extremely effective government cover up, odds are you're going to get spotted by the Men In Black long before you can finish your dastardly plan... that is, unless you take over the Men In Black themselves first. No one would even notice a change in Tommy Lee Jones's personality. God bless him.
The Waiting Game

This all sounds a bit tricky though. Far too much risk and far too much effort for a civilization as advanced as you. If you're as patient as I think you are, then put a bit of thought into your invasion. Instead of attacking straight away or slowly invading in secret, you should maybe consider planting tripods or other weapons under the ground, wait a few thousand years and then presto! They'll never see you coming. This might be tricky with earth though so perhaps your best bet is to forego the third planet from the sun entirely and find somewhere less advanced. Just don't rush into anything. If you're allergic to the common cold, don't invade somewhere with the common cold. If you're vulnerable to water, don't try to conquer a planet covered in two thirds of water. And if you're in a M Night Shyamalan film, consider finding a way to defend yourself against baseball bats and disappointing twists. Trust me on this one. They'll have ya!

Now we know how the aliens will attempt to invade, we should be able to fend off any attacks and... oh wait. All we've really managed to do is give the aliens a whole bunch of ideas which will make it easier for them to conquer our planet, leaving us more vulnerable than ever. My bad. Here's hoping the aliens don't love Film School Friday as much as the earthlings. Anyhoo, if any cities are left standing by next week, I'm hoping you guys will return for a slightly different edition of Film School Friday where I'll quiz loyal readers on all the lessons we've learnt so far. Quizzes are fun right? There may even be prizes! (Editor disclaimer: there are no prizes).

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