Last time, Film School Friday taught readers how to stay awake for late night movies. If you invested in the kind of eye clamps seen in A Clockwork Orange, your eyes will now be dryer than the Sahara Desert and you probably lost your sight around three days ago. That's ok though. Just ask your children or a friend to read Manilovefilms.com to you from now on. It will be like the audio book version, but instead of hearing someone famous and talented speak our words, you'll just have to endure the dulcet tones of someone you already know.
It's unfortunate that you're now blind, as you'll no longer be able to appreciate the beauty of animation from production companies like Disney, but that doesn't mean the rest of us can't enjoy these timeless classics, so grab a paintbrush, put on a cartoon voice and grab a camera as we read on for today's lesson.
Lesson #37 - How To Make A Disney Movie
First off, you need some inspiration/an idea to steal. Those millions won't just make themselves, you know!
Brothers Grimm
On the rare occasions when Disney have actually written original material, the results have been less than stellar... hello Home On The Range! It's understandable then that the majority of directors look elsewhere for ideas first. To make a Disney movie, one must plunge into the depths of classic fairy tales for inspiration. The original Brothers Grimm stories were gruesome affairs where characters were often treated horribly, abused and maimed beyond recognition... and that's exactly what Disney does to these classic tales. To make a Disney movie, we need to choose a fairy tale and basically take out all the dark, gross bits, replacing them with cute, fluffy songs instead. Goodbye blood and sexual assault. Hello Jamaican crab!
Mutant Hero
If we're going to mutate the original story into something new, we might as well do the same to our female protagonist. Why give a Disney princess realistic body proportions and average looks when we can create a physically deformed mutant who has tiny hips and huge breasts?
It's important to also give our bizarre creation superhuman vocal chords that can hypnotize small animals into carrying out her every childish whim... because that's a thing apparently. You think Cinderella had it bad? Her step-sisters may have forced her to clean for them, but all Cinderella did was perpetuate the problem, delegating her menial tasks to the poor mice and birds who were manipulated to clean against their will. Now who's the real monster here?
Two Birds, One Stone
The final ingredient every successful Disney movie needs is a truly evil villain. Ursula, Maleficent, Cruella De Vil... each of these have terrified countless generations of children, haunting their dreams with their scary appearances and offensive stereotyping... wait, what? Let's face it. Disney has not been the most racially sensitive company in the past, often using caricatured stereotypes in their portrayal of villains such as the hyenas in The Lion King and the evil Arabs in Aladdin.
Why stop there though? If you're going to follow the Disney pattern, you might as well make your villains overtly camp as well, just like Hades, Scar or Jafar. Why offend one minority when you can offend two at once? Walt Disney would be proud... and he'll tell you himself when he eventually escapes his cryogenic prison and takes over the world with his unparalleled imagination and anti-Semitic rants.
Oh, one more thing! End your Disney movie by telling the children that true love conquers all i.e lie to the kids, setting them up for a lifetime of misery and a sense of betrayal that will never leave them, not even throughout their adult lives. That's the Disney magic, right there!
Good luck with your venture loyal readers and remember: any proceeds you make from the success of your Disney movie belongs to me. You technically signed a verbal contract just by reading this article, entitling me to 100% of your earnings... and possibly your house. Woops!
Finally, this will be the last Film School Friday written for a while as no one has bothered to invent a watch that can stop time yet, making day to day life extremely difficult to juggle. Thank you to everyone who has regularly returned to the site to read this feature i.e. Mum. Your loyalty is greatly appreciated. Remember to keep checking back though for more news on the latest films!
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