Film School Friday Lesson #37 - How To Make A Disney Movie

Last time, Film School Friday taught readers how to stay awake for late night movies. If you invested in the kind of eye clamps seen in A Clockwork Orange, your eyes will now be dryer than the Sahara Desert and you probably lost your sight around three days ago. That's ok though. Just ask your children or a friend to read Manilovefilms.com to you from now on. It will be like the audio book version, but instead of hearing someone famous and talented speak our words, you'll just have to endure the dulcet tones of someone you already know.

It's unfortunate that you're now blind, as you'll no longer be able to appreciate the beauty of animation from production companies like Disney, but that doesn't mean the rest of us can't enjoy these timeless classics, so grab a paintbrush, put on a cartoon voice and grab a camera as we read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #36 - How To Stay Awake For Late Night Movies

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to choose cinema snacks. If you currently have a strange swelling in your stomach that moves when you touch it, there's a strong chance the dried squid you ate in that Korean cinema contained squid eggs that are now hatching inside of you. If that's true, then I really appreciate that you've chosen to ignore your family and loved ones to instead spend your last few moments on earth reading my writing. I genuinely can't think of a better way to end it all.

For those of you not infested by the calamari from hell, summer is winding down and autumn is fast approaching... it's enough to make you sick, isn't it!? If only we could delay the inevitable and make summer last forever. Wait! We can do exactly that, all thanks to the power of cinema. All we need to do is stay awake all night, watching movies until the sun comes up. Ok, that admittedly won't make summer last forever, but it will certainly make it last longer, so close the curtains, heat up the popcorn and tape your eyes open as we read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #35 - How To Choose Cinema Snacks

Last time, Film  School Friday taught loyal readers how to make the most of their summer vacation. The key lesson here was to avoid death, as everyone knows that summer is full of scary sharks and angry rednecks. Personally, I find that the best way to stay alive during these terrifying months is to spend every waking hour in a dark room, watching moving pictures with strangers. In other words, living life to the fullest! 

Film School Friday Lesson #34 - How To Make The Most Of Your Summer Vacation

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to make the perfect movie soundtrack. However, if you just ignored my advice and wrote a Justin Bieber jukebox musical, then I am judging you and I am judging you hard. Saying that though, it could be fun to watch an arrogant douchebag constantly embarrass himself on the big screen... Ok, I know you're thinking that now would be a prime time to insult someone like Shia Labeouf, but I'm not going to do it. I'm better than that... (fingers shaking as he restrains the need to point out anything Labeouf has done in the last ten years).

Film School Friday Lesson #33 - How To Make The Perfect Soundtrack

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to get the perfect beach body. Unfortunately, every time I've ventured to the coast since, all I've seen is a sea of fat wobbling around in search of the nearest ice cream stall. Why the unfortunately shaped refuse to wear clothes in the summer time is beyond me. Clearly, not enough people could get their hands on Captain America's Super Soldier Serum and pack on the muscle. Ah well. My bad.

Seeing all that jelly on the beach stressed me out and reminded me that I myself am not the stringiest of beans, so it's time we relaxed a little with today's advice. Grab your earphones, lie back and chill as we read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #32 - How to Get the Perfect Beach Body

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to get the perfect haircut, so surely by now, admirers from all around must have surrounded you, begging you to reveal the secret of how you gained your beautiful mane... right? Oh wait, I forgot. Halfway through the last lesson, I gave up on offering advice and suggested a buzz cut or a quick trip down to Sweeney Todd instead. Goddammit! Becoming a movie fiend has given me the attention span of Findng Nemo's Dorey on crack, so today, let's focus on finding another way to look good in the summer time, one which doesn't involve becoming a pie filling.

Unfortunately, it's a sad fact of life that watching movies does not exactly enhance one's figure. Until Hollywood devises a way to give us the perfect abs while devouring a tub of popcorn the size of a small child, it's up to us film fanatics to find a way to keep the weight off. Now, you could buy a fitness DVD or listen to the advice of nutritional experts... PAHAHAHA! Who are we kidding? Obviously, you want advice from someone who actually knows what they're talking about, so gather round my overweight friends, throw away the butter and listen up as we read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #31 - How To Get The Perfect Haircut

Last time, Film School Friday surprised loyal readers with another thrilling end of term quiz that almost crashed the internet because it was that popular! Well, it could have also been caused by that video of a cat performing open heart surgery, but my money is on Film School Friday...

As we approach July, it's time to rock out those beach bodies in search of some summer loving, right? Wait... what do you mean you live on a diet of nothing but hot dogs, natchos and popcorn? God damn you cinemas! Fine. Forget working out. What can we do to improve our appearance that requires minimal effort? Ok... I got it. Stick with me loyal readers and grab the scissors as we read on for today's lesson.  

Film School Friday Lesson #30 - End of Term Quiz

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to build a cinematic universe. It's a lot like Lego really. Once you've finished building something and it looks like crap, just smash it all down again and try again using the same pieces a couple of years later. God knows it worked for Spider-Man...

As we reach our 30th edition here at Film School Friday, I thought it was about time all you loyal readers (hi again mum) are rewarded with a prize, something that you will take away and cherish for the rest of your days here on earth... The title was probably a give away for those of you who can read, but yes, that's right guys. It's time for... ANOTHER END OF TERM QUIZ!

Film School Friday Lesson #29 - How To Build A Cinematic Universe

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to become a scene stealing extra because... well we have more than enough doctors around these days and us film freaks need something to fund our netflix accounts. Problem is, no matter how hard you try to steal the spotlight, most directors will cut you out in the editing suite. I know. It's ridiculous. Film makers can go mad with power yet half the time, they can't even do their jobs properly.

Take a look at the mammoth blockbusters coming out these days. Every studio seems desperate to build their own cinematic universe so they can keep churning out ready made sequels for the masses that require little or no introduction. Why waste time on original thought when you can just recycle the same characters and settings over and over? Am I right guys??? There's plenty of money to be made if you can build your very own cinematic universe; just ask Marvel! So let's forget our dream of becoming extras, purge all creativity from our minds and grab a directors chair as we read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #28 - How To Become a Scene Stealing Extra

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to make an awesome sequel. Hopefully, the makers of the 'critically lauded' movie Zombeavers will have read the article and will be implementing my advice at every step while they begin work on the inevitable sequel. I'm pretty sure zombie beavers are going to be huge this year, so I'll just wait by my front door, staring longingly at my letterbox for the cheque which will be on it's way in no time at all...

Once I receive my cheque, I'm sure I'll no longer have to work full-time, so goodbye teaching and hello to a life of endless chicken binging and netflix marathons... Living the dream right? Obviously yes, but even that could get boring eventually, so I may work part-time occasionally, just to distract myself from the copious amounts of chicken lining my stomach.

So what part-time job requires zero talent and effort, but still sounds pretty awesome if you're a movie fan? I've got it! Get ready to practice your smize, wave those arms around and generally be an attention seeking asshole as you read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #27 - How To Make The Ultimate Sequel

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to change their gender. Body swapping is probably the best way to go here, but just make sure you don't accidentally swap with a child or you'll have to go through puberty all over again, knowing exactly what to expect this time...

There is something to be said for seeing the world through the eyes of a child though. Even the lamest blockbusters had a certain magic to them which enchanted my tiny 9 year old mind. How else can I explain my obsession with Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin? It sure as hell wasn't anything to do with the acting, writing or directing! Let's help kids of the future escape these banal sequels here in today's lesson so grab your laptop, smash open that piggy bank and pull up your director's chair.

Film School Friday Lesson #26 - How To Change Your Gender

Last time, Film School Friday taught readers how to annoy people at the cinema. If you got kicked out of the new Captain America movie then I apologize, but remember to only use your new found skills sparingly as a revenge tactic on those who munch natchos too loudly. With great power, comes great responsibility...

Apologies also for being a week late with this new edition of Film School Friday. Life in South Korea is a whirlwind of donuts and soju which takes some getting used to. I barely had to time to watch the new Captain America movie 6 times. That's how busy I am!

The temptation to tenuously link today's feature with the previous edition is as strong as ever, but today I will resist and simply introduce  our new lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #25 - How To Annoy People At The Cinema

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to direct a film in the style of M. Night Shyamalan. Some may dispute the utility of such a lesson but you know what? For the sake of democracy and all that is right in the world, we can't let him and Adam Sandler win all the Razzies. It's just getting boring now.

Now that you're the Spielberg of crap movies, what next? Well, you're clearly on a roll now, annoying audiences left, right and center  with moronic films like After Earth, but let's take things up a notch. Let's learn how to annoy audiences  inside the cinema itself, guerrilla style!

Film School Friday Lesson #24 - Directing Masterclass: M. Night Shyamalan

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to win an Academy Award. Congratulations! Receiving an Oscar is the most prestigious prize one can receive working in the film industry, even if it is just for making a Robin Thicke biopic set in Nazi occupied Poland. If you don't get the reference, shame on you for not being a regular reader!

Still with me? Reaching the top of your game is certainly impressive but it also raises the all-important question; Where do you go from here? After winning an Oscar, Nicolas Cage went bat shit crazy, Charlize Theron starred in some crappy sci-fi and Halle Berry started using cat nip. Think that’s bad? Some film makers even seem content to let their career slide after only receiving an Academy Award nomination, somehow becoming less and less talented until their entire awards cabinet fills with Razzies instead of Oscars. See where I’m going with this? Let’s all get our smug face on then and practice our wooden acting skills as we read on for today’s lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #23 - How To Win An Oscar

Last time, Film School Friday taught readers how to survive a Valentines break up by murdering their exes in the most dramatic way possible. The problem with that is that the suffering won't last for long, even if you tie your ex to a chair and starve them to death while forcing them to watch Super Size Me on an Imax sized screen. It's just not enough.

This is where I'm going to throw caution to the wind and suggest something unusually sensible for once, something that won't get you arrested or leave you stranded in space, barking to a random Chinese man fifty gazillion miles away. Pay attention. This won't happen again any time soon. My advice to the spurned lovers out there is to just simply be the bigger person. No, I'm not saying you go out and re-enact Super Size Me on a grand scale, but you do need to have some dignity and try not to get petty about things. What's the best way to do that? Win an Oscar. That'll show those smug, good for nothing bastards what they're missing out on, so start writing your speech, pick out a dress and grab that award polish as you read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #22 - How To Survive A Valentines Break Up

Last week, Film School Friday celebrated its 21st birthday by teaching readers how to have an awesome birthday. Film School Friday also celebrated its 21st birthday by getting more wrecked than Bad Santa and Barney Gumble on an all night bender in Vegas. Don't judge me. Being young is pretty stressful these days. We have so many choices to contend with. Do you see films in 2D or 3D? Do you prefer Marvel or DC? Do you read Film School Friday or work to feed your children? Life is full of choices and some are harder to make than most.

With Valentine's Day coming up, poor life choices may be catching up with some of you right now. If you find yourself alone on February 14th, don't panic. Sure, suicide is an option for some, but why not lose yourself in the world of film instead? Who needs the warm embrace of a lover when you could just stare at a lit-up box for 2 hours, fantasizing about people and situations you will never encounter, not even in your wildest dreams? Don't worry, Film School Friday will sort you out, so find your tissues, eat some chocolate and grab your favorite ice cream spoon as we read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #21 - How To Have An Awesome Birthday

Last week, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to bring the dead back to life. How did that go for you? Did the newly resurrected thank you for disturbing their slumber? Were they grateful for being hurled back into a world of pain, misery and Adam Sandler films? I highly doubt it. And did we even stop to consider what condition these walking corpses would even be in? How are they going to enjoy the cinema if their eyeballs keep falling out? How are they going to eat popcorn with a hole in their stomach? Life is short but sweet and perhaps it should stay that way.

Film School Friday Lesson #20 - How To Bring The Dead Back To Life

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to make a terrible superhero film. Essentially, just cast Ben Affleck in your movie. Job done. Why did I waste so much time writing that article? Anyway, now that you've made your money from the opening weekend, the reviews for your superhero film are out and audiences have cottoned on to how terrible your movie actually is. How do you please all the anorak wearing comic book lovers out there baying for your blood? I I were you, I'd kill off your main characters  so haters can rejoice and then bring them back to life  a few years later, classic comic book style. That way, you can start the whole vicious cycle all over again.

However, aside from being bitten by a zombie and getting your face ripped off, how do you actually resurrect people from the dead? Gandalf changed colour from grey to white and Jesus was kind of a big deal but that doesn't help us mere mortals, so power up the cloning machine, brush up on your rituals and jump on your broom as we read on for today's lesson.

Film School Friday Lesson #19 - How To Make A Terrible Superhero Film

Last week, Film School Friday held an acting masterclass in honor of Nicolas Cage, King of the Nutters (I used capitals because that's really a thing you know). If you took my advice then thank you. I'm honored you'd use up your 15 minutes of allotted internet time to read this week's lesson. Just remember to log off once you've finished and slip that straitjacket back on right away. I don't want to be responsible for anyone catching their death of cold. That's not how we do things here.

Now onto the learning. Yay learning! This week's lesson was inspired by Cage's restrained, under-stated performance in Ghost Rider and its even better follow up Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. Terrible, terrible films I'm sure you agree but they didn't do too badly at the box office. Comic book movies make big bucks but as Ghost Rider proves, it takes a lot to actually pull them off successfully. My point then is why bother trying to make them good? Even a horrendous comic book movie will make you money in the short term so if you want to make a superhero film, just put minimum effort in. You'll make a mint, so pick a random comic book character, ring up the studios and put the charm on as we read today's lesson.

FSF Lesson #18 - Acting Masterclass: Nicolas Cage

Last week, Film School Friday taught readers how to welcome in the New Year by throwing a party like Gatsby. How was that for you? Did you feel let down by the huge build up that inevitably disappoints on the big night? If so, then you know how I felt watching The Great Gatsby this year in cinemas. I'm not bitter though. Sure, I threw all my VHS copies of Titanic in the fire and have since created a petition begging studios to stop Carey Mulligan from ever appearing on our screens again but no, I'm not bitter...

Winter blues may be setting in now during the cold month of January but I am nothing if not caring, so as the writer of Film School Friday, purveyor of all things pure and wholesome, I feel that it's my sworn duty to lift your spirits with today's lesson. Who better to amuse us during these long nights than the ultimate clown of acting, the jester of Hollywood, the mental patient that is Nicolas Cage? With a career spanning over three decades and eighty-something films, you must admit that Cage is obviously doing something right - shame it's not the acting - so let's bring on the intensity, thicken out those eyebrows and get our crazy on as we learn how to emulate his success in today's lesson.