Friday, 30 August 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #2 - How To Become A Successful Super Villain


Last week, Film School Friday gave out key survival advice to help in the event that Kim Jong-un watches Team America and decides to turn the Western world into a barren nuclear wasteland. This got me thinking... Kim Jong-un is without a doubt the worlds most badass super villain. Like his father before him, Kim Jong-un has it all; a loyal army, a maniacal lust for power and a kickass haircut.

Now what would you do if I said that you too could be a world renowned super villain? Yes, my friends; power, respect and all the cute yellow minions you could ever ask for should be within your grasp if you just follow a few handy tips from yours truly. Well what are you waiting for? It's time to slip on the spandex, brush off that delirious cackle and take notes as I unveil the latest edition of Film School Friday.

Lesson #2 - How To Become A Successful Super Villain

We've all seen it; Our favourite super villains are just moments away from victory when one small mistake suddenly proves to be their ultimate undoing. All those months of diabolical planning amount to nothing and precious time then has to be wasted on escaping the least secure prisons known to man. No one wants that.

I won’t patronise you by explaining that the hero should never be kept alive. I’m sure you know the obvious stuff already, but then why are you still not the supreme overlord of all time and space? What gives? Let me fill you in on a few subtle pointers that should help you on your way to world domination.

Be Suave

First off, rethink your costume design. How are you ever going to take over the world if the forces of good spot you before you've even robbed your first bank? Nuclear Man is the perfect example. Even without super-vision, anyone could spot his gold and black spandex from a mile away. No wonder Superman kicked his ass. Two-Face half got it right, but his suave shirt and tie ensemble was somewhat let down by the quite frankly insane leopard prints that scream mental disorder from a mile away. You don’t have to be the worlds greatest detective to spot him in a crowd. Think subtle. The good guys won't see you coming.

Keep It Simple

Blending in with the faceless civilians you one day wish to rule over? Good. Next, let's think strategy. Many super villains stumble at the planning stage by devising the most ridiculously convoluted plots known to man. Take Ra’s Al Ghul for examplePlacing a bomb that will vaporize a toxin riddled water supply on a speeding train  really isn't the best way to destroy Gotham City. This criminal ‘mastermind’ has lived for centuries yet in all that time, he didn't anticipate that this plan would give someone like Batman ample time to save the day.

If you have loftier aspirations, like taking over the world for example, don’t take advice from Lex Luthor. In Superman Returns, the megalomaniac tried to grow a new landmass that would cause the earth’s water levels to rise to dangerous levels. The whole scheme was just ridiculous from the get go and not only did Lex fail in his goal, but more importantly, he helped ruin what could have potentially been an awesome reboot. Don’t waste time with wacky plots. Just get the job done.

Read The Instruction Manual Carefully

I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that if you’re reading this guide, then you must be an evil genius. Congratulations.  I’m also going to assume then that you plan to use some wacky invention of yours to help you a) kill the hero, b) control the world, or c) move out of your parent’s basement. That’s great but all I ask is that you read the instruction manual carefully. Even if you’re the one who invented the device in question, please still take the time to figure out how to it safely or I can guarantee that it will blow up in your face at a critical moment.

For example, if you’re going to create an Omnidroid to take out Pixar’s most famous superhero family, then please keep the remote control somewhere safe, like a pocket or something. The last thing you want is some do-gooder like Mr Incredible turning the robot on itself. And if like the Red Skull, you’ve decided to use a weapon of cosmic power, you must be even more careful as you don’t know the potential dangers involved... and moisturize. Always moisturize kids. Don’t become a victim of your own genius… or sun damage. Look at the Red Skull. It can be brutal.

Final Pointers

So you’ve taken on board all the advice I’ve given so far. I’m proud of you. Just remember also to keep your ventilation shafts fully secured, practice your shooting aim and for god’s sake, please don’t leave riddles or clues lying around for your nemesis to find. That’s a sure fire way to end up in Arkham Asylum.

If you only take one piece of advice from today’s post though, please let it be this; Don’t live in cities with resident heroes. Gotham City is riddled with rivals who will be after your spoils and in New York, there’s a wannabe hero flying round every other corner. Consider somewhere quieter to be your base of operations. Have you ever tried robbing a post office in a quaint Irish village? Or what about a bank in small town Ohio? Everyone has to start somewhere. Just don’t even think about living in North Korea though. Kim Jong-un has that s**t locked down.

Thanks for reading and come back next week for another edition of Film School Friday, where we'll be learning how to fit in with the popular kids at school.

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