Friday, 7 February 2014

Film School Friday Lesson #22 - How To Survive A Valentines Break Up

Last week, Film School Friday celebrated its 21st birthday by teaching readers how to have an awesome birthday. Film School Friday also celebrated its 21st birthday by getting more wrecked than Bad Santa and Barney Gumble on an all night bender in Vegas. Don't judge me. Being young is pretty stressful these days. We have so many choices to contend with. Do you see films in 2D or 3D? Do you prefer Marvel or DC? Do you read Film School Friday or work to feed your children? Life is full of choices and some are harder to make than most.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall movie image Kristen Bell and Russell Brand
With Valentine's Day coming up, poor life choices may be catching up with some of you right now. If you find yourself alone on February 14th, don't panic. Sure, suicide is an option for some, but why not lose yourself in the world of film instead? Who needs the warm embrace of a lover when you could just stare at a lit-up box for 2 hours, fantasizing about people and situations you will never encounter, not even in your wildest dreams? Don't worry, Film School Friday will sort you out, so find your tissues, eat some chocolate and grab your favorite ice cream spoon as we read on for today's lesson.
Lesson #22 - How To Survive A Break Up
It's always the way. You try your best to move on from a recent break up by going to Hawaii on holiday, but guess who's staying at the same resort as you. That's right. It's Russell Brand and he's probably banging your ex. All you want to do is forget the relationship ever happened. What do you do?
kirsten_dunst_eternal_sunshine_of_the_spotless_mind_1 (27)Mind Wipe
Smash your head against a wall? Drink until you're blind? Watch the latest Jackass venture? No, all you need to do is pay a visit to Lacuna, Inc., where you can have all the memories of your broken relationship erased for just a small fee. Sure, the staff are a little unprofessional... they may even dance around in their underwear while you lay there unconscious but don't worry; If you wake up during the procedure, seeing Kirsten Dunst dancing above you in her panties is probably not the worst thing that could happen to you.
Stand Your Ground
Shame Lacuna, Inc. is fictional then. What do you mean you haven't seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? For more authentic break up advice, let's turn to a film set in the real world, a world where someone as gorgeous as Jennifer Aniston would actually bother with someone like Vince Vaughn. Let's take some advice from The Break-Up. It's basically a documentary! First things first, refuse to be the one who moves out of the home you've built together. Make the other asshole leave and if they don't? Leave rubbish lying around the house. Buy awkwardly shaped items that your partner will resent. Have a strip poker party and get real inappropriate in front of your ex. All of these actions will be extremely petty but screw it. How else are you going to survive a Valentine's break-up?
Seek Vengeance
Find others like you and form a club. The First Wives Club is taken so why not go for The Pissed Off Mutha F**kers! Has a nice ring to it. Just don't use this club as an excuse to get drunk and bitch about your ex. Don't bitch. Get even. My advice would be to screw the cheating bastards over - I assume they cheated - by blackmailing them. Income tax fraud, murder, singing Bieber in their sleep... everyone has something dark in their past which you, the jilted lover, should exploit to the max. The First Wives Club is great, but I felt let down at the end when the girls decided to force the men into founding a nonprofit organisation dedicated to aiding abused women. What happened to their sweet sweet revenge? Helping those women isn't going to make those bastard men scream for forgiveness! I WANT TO SEE SHARDS OF BONE AS THEY SCREAM FOR THEIR GODDAMN LIVES!... sorry. That was a bit much.
War_Of_The_RosesThe Ultimate Revenge
Listen up you bitter twisted scorned creatures of darkness. Blackmail doesn't quite cut it if you really want your ex boyfriends and girlfriends to suffer, to truly suffer like a long standing M Night Shyamalan fan. That's why The War of the Roses  is so damn inspirational. When Kathleen Turner serves Michael Douglas some pate and pretends its his dog all smushed up on the plate, does Douglas flirt with other women? Does he try to blackmail her? No, he tries to rip her bloody face off! Want true revenge for all the pain and heartbreak? Murder the sonuvabitch. Prison ain't so bad really. Get yourself a Mr Jingles to keep you company. Job done.
So there you have it folks. How do you survive a Valentines break up? Throw caution to the wind and kill your ex. Consequences, shmonsequences!
Wait wait, don't go yet though. I have an important announcement to make, but it's going to be hard to listen to so make sure you're sitting down for this one and send the children to bed. You don't want them to hear your cries of anguish and despair. 
Ok, here it is. After much consideration, I've decided to make Film School Friday... wait for it.... bi-weekly from now on. I'll give you a minute to process the news. They say denial is usually the first step but yes, it's true. Film School Friday will teach a new lesson every fortnight now, due to life and all that shizzle. Here's a web site that may help if you're still struggling with this news; http://www.filmschoolfridayhelpline. Have no fear though and wipe away your tears because when you come back in two weeks time, we'll be celebrating the awards season with an Oscars special. See you then folks!

No comments:

Post a Comment