Last week, Film School Friday taught us all how to become a successful super
supreme leader... Great job on that death ray! But if you haven't achieved global domination yet, then what gives? Do you blame your parents? Maybe you had a rough time at school. If so, then it's too late for you oldies but if you're young and aspiring towards evil, then today's lesson is just for you. Following this weeks advice will not only improve your self esteem, but could also result in you developing some kind of eating disorder.
The popular kids are by and large, horrendous human beings but hey... they're popular! Only read on if you're prepared to sell your soul to sit with the in-crowd. If you're happy with being a nice human being who has a sense of morality and your own individual thoughts then by all means, ignore today's lesson. Otherwise, stop twirling your hair, put your keg of beer down and pay attention.
Sell Your Soul
Think of all the popular kids you've seen in your favourite teen films. Biff Tannen from Back To The Future, Regina George from Mean Girls, Fred O'Bannion from Dazed and Confused... How many of them were actually nice? The lesson here is to inspire fear in your fellow class mates. Create a 'burn book' filled with vicious rumors and secrets that you can threaten to unveil to the student body at a moments notice. If that doesn't get you instant results though, why don't you pick on the quiet girl by somehow ensuring she becomes prom queen, only to be splattered in gallons of pigs blood? It's great for the skin and all you need is a pig, a bucket and some rope. Just watch out for fires...
Cuckoo That Bitch!
Selling your soul is all well and good but what if there's already a head bitch ruling the school? If this Megan Fox wannabe finds out that you're gunning for her position, then I can guarantee that she'll try to take you down by any means necessary. The trick is to make friends with her first. Pretend to be one of her mindless lackeys and the Queen Bee may just put her defenses down long enough for you to figure out her weaknesses. For ideas on how to achieve this, try watching Mean Girls, where Cady turned Regina's followers against her while also destroying her looks using 'weight-loss' bars. Failing that, just try out the 'sick stick' you inherited from your vigilante father and make the bitch explode vomit and diarrhea all over the cafeteria. People won't want to eat there for months afterwards, but it'll be a cinch then to take your rightful place as Queen Bee.
Get Physical
I won't lie; it's easier to become popular if you're a girl, as long as you wear the right clothes and become a monstrous bitch so guys, here's a key tip to ensure you're always top of the pack. Join a team. Now, if you're nodding to yourself thinking, "I'm already in the chess club, score!" then for the love of god, please think again.
American football seems to be a good way to go. Whether you watch a romantic comedy like It's A Boy/Girl Thing or a serious sports drama like Friday Night Lights, the men wearing a helmet and cup always seem to score first... if you catch my drift (insert cringe noise here). If stopping a game every ten seconds to endlessly strategize doesn't appeal though, there's always basketball. However, be careful with this option. If you want to play but also possess a secret yearning for singing and dancing, you may struggle to choose between the two. God bless you Troy Bolton for making the hard decisions the rest of us aren't prepared to face.
Looks Are Everything
Teenagers are shallow, pitiful creatures, so if you can impress in the looks department, you'll have all the sheep eating out of the palm of your hand, slathering your fingers with their gross sheep tongues and... well you get the point. I find that the cliches work best here guys. Dark sunglasses. Snazzy jacket. Rich kids car. Cool soundtrack following your every move. Job done.
Girls, you need to take a slightly different approach. Whether you're pretty or ugly, fat or thin, rich or poor, nothing works better than a good old-fashioned MAKEOVEEEEEER! EEEEEEEK! You can probably tell how excited I am by all the capitals and stretched out Es. However, if you're not familiar with this time honored American tradition, then check out any of the following; She's All That, Clueless, Grease, Avatar... the list goes on. The most important thing to take from this part of the lesson is that it doesn't matter if you have a lovely personality. Boys will only like you if you take off your glasses and brush your hair. Fact. And if you have any real life examples to the contrary then I don't want to hear them. Fairy tales, that's what they are!
DISCLAIMER
Just remember guys; To actually try any of the advice from today's lesson could make you the worst human being that's walked the earth since Miley Cyrus. I would strongly recommend you don't sell your soul and instead, just make friends the old-fashioned way... by pretending to be interested in what they have to say and other boring stuff like that. Besides, things are changing anyway, even in the movie world. 21 Jump Street showed us that the dumb jock is no longer as popular as he once was, sorry Channing, and surprise cameos can still surprise if done right. However, if you do decide to attempt to follow any pointers from today's lesson, then please film your exploits. It could make for vaguely interesting Sunday afternoon viewing and who doesn't want that?
Next week, Film School Friday will teach those of you still obsessed with high school how to live forever. Meanwhile, your homework this week is to think about what you would like to learn from the world of film in the upcoming months. I'm always open to suggestions and its not because I've already ran out of ideas just a few weeks in... honest.
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