Tuesday 29 October 2013

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 Review - "There's A Leek In The Boat!"

Never have I ever been so hungry watching a film.

Chance Of Meatballs 2 (CWACOM2... just rolls off the tongue) is executive produced by the original film makers Phil Lord and Chris Miller, who have since moved on to the 21 Jump Street franchise. In their stead, we have Cody Cameron and Kris Pearn, the promising directors behind...Open Season 3. Don't worry though Cloudy fans; director Cody Cameron is the voice behind Pinocchio and the three little pigs in the original Shrek... and they were funny right? With such a strong creative team, surely CWACOM2 will best the inevitable decline in quality that most sequels fall prey to, right?

Friday 25 October 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #10 - How To Survive A Serial Killer


It's Halloween bitches! Last week, Film School Friday celebrated this fun but most pointless of holidays by teaching you how to spot a serial killer. Everyone needs a hobby right? That's all well and good but what happens when you find this serial killer? Do you a) Scream as loud as you can? b) Wet your pants? Or c) throw the nearest elderly person onto their knife? Human shields are great and all but sometimes they're hard to come by and some people are just too damn heavy to throw, so what then? Stand around waiting to get decapitated? I don't think so. Film School Friday cannot stand idly by while innocent serial killer spotters are violently murdered doing the thing they love most, so put down your homework, swallow some pro-plus and take up self-defense as we read on for today's lesson.

Lesson #10 - How To Survive A Serial Killer

Anyone can become just another statistic on a police report so regardless of age, gender or weight, today's advice is essential for all. Some of the following tips may not sound like fun, but you'll have even less fun floating face down in a river with all your limbs removed. Most importantly, how will you be able to trick and treat if you're dead? Let's start with the serial killers favourite demographic - teenagers.

Friday 18 October 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #9 - How To Spot A Serial Killer


Last week, Film School Friday gave a 101 on the mechanics on time travel. If you're reading this from the future then be quick - the giant flying lizard monkeys will be back to check on you at any moment! If you're still reading this from the present though, then what the hell is wrong with you? Right now, you could be off flirting with Marie Antoinette or enjoying a relaxing cruise on the Titanic with Leo. What could possibly go wrong? Go, there's still time!

serialhalloween1Now I've finished trying to dissuade you from reading today's lesson, it's probably time to introduce today's lesson. Halloween is coming up, so Film School Friday is celebrating with a two-part horror special. Original, I know. This week, I'll be teaching you how to spot a serial killer. There's plenty of them out there in the concrete jungle and with so many different types to avoid, I thought it best to give you the heads up, so dust off your knife collection, prepare the embalming fluid and slip on your favorite clown costume as you read today's advice.

Saturday 12 October 2013

How I Live Now (2013) - Film Review

After the success of the documentary Marley, Kevin Macdonald has returned with an unusual narrative film based on the award winning sci-fi novel How I Live Now. The original book came packaged with two different covers, one aimed at adults and one aimed at teenagers, but will the film adaptation split its audience in a similar way, limiting its success in the box office?

Friday 11 October 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #8 - Time Travel 101


Last week, Film School Friday taught us all how to bag a Disney bride. Unfortunately, most of the people who took my advice are now in prison for stealing, kidnapping or sexual assault. Good news inmates! This week's lesson is a 101 on the mechanics of time travel, for those who wish that they could turn back the clock to a time before they read my last article. Let's just hope these prisoners can access the internet. I'd hate for my readership to be halved but hey; 3 readers is better than nothing right?

Lesson #8 - Time Travel 101

The movies make time travel look easy, but like buying a VHS or sitting through a M. Night Shyamalan movie, some things can be far more difficult than they first appear. In some time travel films, none of the characters even make it out of their time line and instead, are forced to just communicate with the past using a radio or even letters. Not only is that the lamest form of time travel going, but it also results in some horrendously poor movies like Frequency or The Lake House. URGH! What you guys really want is a time machine, so pick up the wrench, buy some super glue and listen up as I give you the 101 on time travel.

Friday 4 October 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #7 - How To Bag A Disney Bride


Last week, Film School Friday went a slightly different route, teaching us all how to revive a dying career with the help of Southern charmer Matthew McConaughey. As king of the bad Rom Com, McConaughey had a lot to answer for but now, with a series of critically acclaimed films under his belt, we can look back at this dark period of cinema and rejoice in its demise. However, there's always a lesson to be learnt from cinema and as I researched McConaughey's crappy old films, one thing did occur to me. That man sure does know how to talk to the ladies...

disney-princessesI've decided that I need to give out more realistic advice that will help readers in their daily lives. No more 'How To Be The Best Zombie You Can Be' or 'How To Become A Successful Super Villain'. What do people want most of all? To be happy in love. Let's take a page out of McConaughey's book then and pursue only the most beautiful partners to spend the rest of our lives with. Want someone with an incredible singing voice, flawless hair and eyes so huge that they must have been born at Chernobyl? Go Disney. So dust off your song book, saddle your loyal horse and throw away your morals once more as we begin today's lesson.