Friday, 18 October 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #9 - How To Spot A Serial Killer


Last week, Film School Friday gave a 101 on the mechanics on time travel. If you're reading this from the future then be quick - the giant flying lizard monkeys will be back to check on you at any moment! If you're still reading this from the present though, then what the hell is wrong with you? Right now, you could be off flirting with Marie Antoinette or enjoying a relaxing cruise on the Titanic with Leo. What could possibly go wrong? Go, there's still time!

serialhalloween1Now I've finished trying to dissuade you from reading today's lesson, it's probably time to introduce today's lesson. Halloween is coming up, so Film School Friday is celebrating with a two-part horror special. Original, I know. This week, I'll be teaching you how to spot a serial killer. There's plenty of them out there in the concrete jungle and with so many different types to avoid, I thought it best to give you the heads up, so dust off your knife collection, prepare the embalming fluid and slip on your favorite clown costume as you read today's advice.
Lesson #9 - How To Spot A Serial Killer

To spot a serial killer, you first need to know where to find these unusual creatures. This can be tricky. Those not in the know may assume that serial killers stick to natural habitats, like abandoned psychiatric hospitals or Republican meetings, but the reality is far more complex than that.


Like cats and hobos, serial killers often travel from place to place and while they may individually have a favored location, these can vary from species to species. To spot a serial killer in the wild is extremely unusual, unless of course you yourself have been targeted. Habitats can range from camp lakes to yuppie apartments, but I wouldn't recommend entering any of these without taking serious precautions. These creatures are extremely dangerous and will go to great lengths to defend their territory. Some are even carnivorous and will think nothing of ripping your face off and wearing it in between courses of human flesh. Just saying.

Pissing Contest

What's fascinating about these creatures though is how they mark their territory. Most animals simply urinate around the local area to announce their presence. Even the most anti-social predators will usually engage in only ritualized forms of aggression, but the serial killer is not your typical predator.
Having A Slash

To prevent intruders encroaching on their territory, some serial killers simply enjoy a good hack and slash using whatever sharp implement is lying around. An axe, a chainsaw, even a dirty old glove can be used as a deterrent if razor sharp knives are embedded into each finger. Inventive buggers, those serial killers.

Games Night

Others prefer to play cat and mouse games with their victims... you know, the kind where the cat traps the mouse in a cage filled with razor wire, watching it as it becomes disembowelled trying to escape. This particular species of serial killer is more inventive than its slasher counterparts, choosing to prolong its victims agony through a series of challenges which often leave the game players burnt, stabbed or mutilated. The really adventurous ones may even cut off your partners head and post it to you in a box. Monopoly this ain't.

Holiday Season

Some types of serial killers are easier to spot at certain times of year, begging the question, what do they do the rest of the time? Hibernate? Work at MacDonalds? If you want to spot one of these OCD serial killers, they normally appear around Halloween, Valentine's Day, Prom Night, Christmas, Friday the 13th (of any month) and occasionally last summer. To date, there has been no species who seems to get his kill on around Hanukkah, so if spotting serial killers isn't your thing, then Jewish holidays are probably your best bet. Have a safe Passover kids!

Pear Drops

So far, today's lesson has hopefully helped you out if you're looking to spot the regular looking serial killers. These could be anyone from your friendly neighborhood dentist to that kind old lady next door who always waves hello and OH MY GOD SHE'S GOT A FRICKING KNIFE AND SHE'S LOOKING RIGHT AT ME! Don't worry. Just lock your door and leave out a packet of hard boiled sweets. That crazy old bitch won't bother you for a good hour now so you've still go time to finish reading this article before you go ring the police.

Now where was I? Errr, yes. It would be totally remiss of me not to point out those psychopaths who lack the subtlety of their regular looking counterparts. That's right. We're talking about the uglies, those serial killers whose own mothers wouldn't even touch them. Probably explains a lot actually...
Abercrombie and Fitch This Ain't!
Poor Jason. He's so ugly... people look at him and comment on his poor appearance. Ha! Gets me every time. But in all seriousness, I'm not saying ugly people are necessarily serial killers... that is until I've completed my scientific observations. Then I'll share my results. No, what I am saying though is that the ugly psychopaths aren't too fond of a mirror, so if you want to spot one, look for the guy in a mask. No offence Spiderman, but its the masked types who tend to stab their older teenage sisters at the age of six and then hunt the poor bastards who move into the same house fifteen years later. Oh yeah, and if the mask is unusually leathery, then be careful. I don't think that's cow!

Mating Rituals

With all the disfigured freaky-looking serial killers out there, it's no surprise that psychopaths often turn to one another for comfort. Luckily, scientists have a wealth of knowledge on the mating rituals of serial killers as their courtships are often displayed in public, sometimes resulting in the deaths of the occasional random passersby. Be particularly on the lookout for older men travelling the country with younger impressionable girls who may or may not be ginger. That Sissy Spacek was a right nut job!
serialmovies_sightseers_still_6Some observers have even been 'lucky' enough to spot serial killers during the actual act of mating. Crotchless knitted panties are all the rage in the North of England. Don't believe me? Watch Sightseers. And then remove both eyes with rusty tweezers.

Play It Safe

For the serial killer aficionado, there is a wealth of types to discover out there but just remember; always keep safe. Serial killer spotting is a risky hobby which could result in you or your friends being stabbed, tortured, burnt, raped, electrocuted, hung, run over, decapitated, mutilated, drowned, disemboweled, suffocated or just plain driven mad. So remember kids; always stay a safe distance from your target and let your parents know where you've gone. That way, the police will know where to look for your remains!

If all those tried and tested precautions fail though, you're kind of screwed... oh wait! This is Film School Friday. What kind of teacher would I be if I didn't prepare you for death from the hands of a serial killer? Next week is Halloween, so it's only apt that your next lesson guides you through the pitfalls of being hunted by a deranged psychopath, just in case someone spots you back. Who says cinema can't be educational? See you next week!

No comments:

Post a Comment