Friday, 25 October 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #10 - How To Survive A Serial Killer


It's Halloween bitches! Last week, Film School Friday celebrated this fun but most pointless of holidays by teaching you how to spot a serial killer. Everyone needs a hobby right? That's all well and good but what happens when you find this serial killer? Do you a) Scream as loud as you can? b) Wet your pants? Or c) throw the nearest elderly person onto their knife? Human shields are great and all but sometimes they're hard to come by and some people are just too damn heavy to throw, so what then? Stand around waiting to get decapitated? I don't think so. Film School Friday cannot stand idly by while innocent serial killer spotters are violently murdered doing the thing they love most, so put down your homework, swallow some pro-plus and take up self-defense as we read on for today's lesson.

Lesson #10 - How To Survive A Serial Killer

Anyone can become just another statistic on a police report so regardless of age, gender or weight, today's advice is essential for all. Some of the following tips may not sound like fun, but you'll have even less fun floating face down in a river with all your limbs removed. Most importantly, how will you be able to trick and treat if you're dead? Let's start with the serial killers favourite demographic - teenagers.

Become A Nun

Being a teenager is all about finding your own identity and often, this is done through using a copious amount of drugs and grinding against anything that's warm. There's nothing wrong with slowly destroying your body in the midst of key physical developments but I warn you now; serial killers detest this kind of behavior, which is why the youth are often the first to die at the hands of a psychopath.

Don't make yourself a target. Become sexually unavailable and say no to fun stuff like drink and meth. Sure the popular kids won't want to hang out with you, but you'll have the last laugh at their funerals. It pays to be boring. Laurie Strode, Sidney Prescott, Nancy Thompson... none of these 'final girls' made it as Prom Queen, but they succeeded in something far more important. That's right, I'm talking about life. So become a nun. Find Jesus or something. Just don't do the nasty or STIs will be the least of your worries.

Do Your Research

So you've managed to prevent yourself from becoming a target. The last thing you want to do now is waltz into the serial killers hands, yet so many people do just that without even realising until it's too late. Going on holiday somewhere new? Check out Trip Advisor. If the reviews for a cheap Slovakian hostel contain the words 'amateur' and 'surgery', then that's probably not the one to go for. Sure you could save some money for more food and alcohol but who can put a price on staying somewhere where they don't drill holes into your chest and legs?
Motels can be a reasonable alternative, but again, if you're looking at 1 star reviews, you've got to ask yourself why that might be the case. Bad food? Cockroach problems? A rotting old dead bitch rocking back and forth in the cellar of the adjoining house? As long as you don't find any snuff films carelessly left in your rooms VCR player, then you'll probably be ok... although I wouldn't trust anywhere that still has a VHS player.

Live At Starbucks

The problem with serial killers is that if you don't go to them, then they'll just come to you. They're like the in-laws of the horror world. No matter where you are, sooner or later, you'll be attacked by a random psychopath. I could quote you numerous made up statistics, but just take my word for it. Some of the crafty buggers can even find you in your sleep, so the best precaution I can recommend is to never sleep again. Keep a drip of coffee by your bedside that's permanently pumping caffeine into your veins and whenever you start feeling sleepy, stab yourself with a shot of adrenaline right to the heart. Pulp Fiction made it look cool so why not I say! Just make sure you don't leave the needle in your chest after. That's messed up Uma.

Armed And Dangerous 

Saying that though, it sure would be handy to have a hypodermic needle lying around if you were attacked by a serial killer. In fact, why not just arm yourself to the teeth? Stockpile as many weapons as you can and hide them around your house in case an intruder comes a knocking. Nancy Thompson did a great job of this in the first Nightmare On Elm Street, but for the ultimate authority on booby-trapping, just give Macaulay Culkin a ring... assuming of course he can actually afford a phone.
Drew Barrymore in Wes Craven's "Scream"
Sounds like a lot of effort right? Many potential victims have survived just by using whatever they can find lying about. Laurie Strode was particularly impressive when she turned an everyday coat hanger into a stabby knife-like implement on poor old Michael Myers. What was up with Drew Barrymore though when she was attacked by Ghost Face? Why the hell didn't she just pop some corn in his face or ram that phone up his ass? Missed opportunity I say.

Strength In Numbers

How many times have we all screamed at the characters on screen, begging them to not walk off on their own or investigate that strange noise coming from the basement? Well here's some really sound advice for you guys... Don't walk off on your own. Don't investigate the creepy noise. In fact, never be alone ever again. Even if you just want to go to the bathroom. Have a toilet buddy. Become an annoyingly clingy best friend. Jason Segel did it in the film I Love You, Man and he didn't get killed by a serial killer. That my friends is irrefutable evidence that this shit really works. Stick to your BFF.

Most people have a tendency to freak the hell out when a serial killer comes towards them. Don't. You'll just end up falling over as you try to get away, losing both your life and your dignity in the process. It doesn't matter if you have sensible footwear or not. You will fall over. Anyway, it's not like the psychopaths will actually run after you so don't worry too much. Seriously, they walk everywhere, so just chill out and take your sweet time finding help. Serial killers like The Fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer can't even keep up a light jog for more than thirty seconds.


My final piece of advice for all you budding survivalists out there is to just kill off your entire family. I know some of you out there may be resistant to this idea, but there's almost always a blood connection between the most important victim and the serial killer who's been chasing you for the entire night/vacation/semester, so just get the jump on them. Take your family out first. Sure, that will effectively make you a serial killer yourself but hey, do you want to survive a serial killer attack or not? I remember giving the same advice out to Jason Voorhees all those years ago and he turned out all right...

Next week, we'll be taking a break for the half term holiday, which should hopefully give me enough time to sort through all your queries and ideas for when we resume Film School Friday the week after... Oh who am I kidding? I haven't been sent any such things. I just need at least seven days to get through my sack of Halloween candy. See you in two weeks kids for another life changing edition of Film School Friday, where we'll be taking a directing masterclass from Alfred Hitchcock himself. Myers isn't the only one who can come back from the dead!

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