Friday, 20 September 2013

Film School Friday Lesson #5 - How To Be The Best Zombie You Can Be


warm bodies
If you ignored my advice last week and tried to attain immortality through the dubious means of becoming a zombie, then shame on you. Unless you're Nicholas Hoult, you just make it work somehow. However, if you are a zombie and your name isn't Hoult, then congratulations at least for taking the time out from eating brains to read our latest edition of Film School Friday. That's real commitment, especially considering how tough it is these days to be one of the walking dead.  The movies have given away most of the zombie weaknesses and every human left right and center has devised their own survival plan, so I figure it's time to level the playing field. Today's lesson is designed to help the zombies among us who are struggling in today's harsh apocalyptic society, so shuffle on over, check your face hasn't fallen off and read on to be the best zombie you can be.

Lesson #5 - How To Be The Best Zombie You Can Be

You've been hanging out in herds, eating the intestines of everyone you've come across. That's a great start, as you just can't be too picky these days. This isn't speed dating people! For all you know, some of your supposed 'zombie' friends may be humans pretending a la Shaun of the Dead. Now, think about how dangerous that actually is for a second. Hidden in every house and around every corner, even in your own horde, there could be humans lying in wait with shotguns poised at the ready. Don't let them have the upper hand. Those flesh bags learnt most of what they know from the movies, so why can't you? Let's start with day to day survival.


Whether you're one of the infected who sprint or you're a member of the shuffling undead, you have to always be ready to make a move. The humans are fast and they may appear at a moments notice, so make sure you always limber up. Stretch those rotten limbs and exercise your skeletal frame in preparation. Practice in one of the many abandoned gyms now available free to any health conscious zombie out there. How do you think the infected from 28 Days Later move around so quick? From stuffing their faces with brains and moaning all day long? Even scrawny nerdy humans like Jesse Eisenberg keep fit in a zombie apocalypse, so there's absolutely no excuse.

Planet terror machine leg
Always Wear Protection

If you have watched ANY zombie film ever created, then you should be aware that while the undead are a resistant bunch, they all possess one glaringly obvious weakness. No, I'm not talking about bad skin, although that is an unfortunate side effect. For that, I recommend tea tree oil. Anyway, what we are referring to here is a deadly aversion to head shots. From early on in an outbreak, the humans are always instructed to destroy the brain to keep a zombie down. Well I say, enough is enough. Zombies have rights too. Just because you've devoured half the human race, it doesn't mean that you deserve to be picked off by sniper rifle wielding sadists from the safety of their rooftops. Hell, even stray bullets from a woman who wields a gun for a leg could take out a frontal lobe or two, so what are you going to do about it? I suggest you break into the nearest mall and steal a helmet of some description. Now I know what you're thinking. Stealing's wrong and you don't want hat hair but sacrifices have to be made guys. Hell, even a baseball cap is better than nothing. Failing that, you could always fashion some sort of head wear out of the skull of your last meal. That ladies and gentlemen, is what I like to call recycling.

Silence Is Golden

This may surprise some of you out there, but the lessons we learnt  as children at school can actually help us today in the real world... kind of. I for one was always told to keep quiet in class. My teachers claimed that they didn't want me to talk as I was 'disrupting' the other children, but I know now that they were actually just preparing me in case I ever became one of the walking dead. Everyone knows that the noisy zombies are the first to die. Don't believe me?

How many times have we seen a zombie creep up on an unsuspecting snack, only for them to moan like a dying walrus? The human gets wind of what's going on and BAM! Dead walking dead. The only thing worse than a moaning zombie is a weird clicking zombie who sounds more like an angry pigeon than a creature of the night. Just watch the end of World War Z to see what I mean. If you're a zombie who just can't shut up, no matter what, then at least tell the humans what you want. Don't beat around the bush. It'll make things easier round Christmas time.


Brain Food

It's ironic, isn't it? The one thing that zombies want the most is the one thing that they don't have. That's right. We're talking brains here people. Everything I've taught you so far will help you survive from day to day, but what you really need is to win the war! Humans are devious bastards, but if you're able to read this feature, then that's a good start. Intelligence is key here. Notice any other zombies reading this article online? Form an alliance. They clearly have good taste and it's easier to strategise in groups.  Rally around the clever zombies and you'll be taking down the last remnants of civilization in no time at all. FYI; Army bases are a waste of time. Watch Land of the Dead to see what works. Big Daddy taught himself how to use basic weaponry and he was a gas station attendant in a former life! If he can do it, then so can you.

World_War_ZThe End of Days

Think end goal guys. Why pick off the humans one by one when you can storm their strongholds in one big push? The zombies in World War Z could climb over mile long walls and they had to suffer a thousand rewrites! Just remember; stretch first, keep quiet and please please please, don't forget your fashionable skull helmets! You don't want to come across all slutty like that naked attic zombie in Rec. Have some decency for Christs sake!

I only have one more piece of advice left for those of you wishing to be the best zombie you can be and that is to keep it in your pants. The last thing you want to do upon entering a human stronghold is to fall in love with one of the flesh bags you're trying to devour, particularly if they're the bland daughter of the humans leader. You'll probably spot him quite quickly as he's the one who looks like John Malkovitch.

Romance is better suited to the living. Just ask the star of next weeks acting masterclass, Matthew Mcconaughey, who will teach us all how to revive a dying career. Dying... see what I did there? Argh you love it!

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