Friday 31 January 2014

Film School Friday Lesson #21 - How To Have An Awesome Birthday

Last week, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to bring the dead back to life. How did that go for you? Did the newly resurrected thank you for disturbing their slumber? Were they grateful for being hurled back into a world of pain, misery and Adam Sandler films? I highly doubt it. And did we even stop to consider what condition these walking corpses would even be in? How are they going to enjoy the cinema if their eyeballs keep falling out? How are they going to eat popcorn with a hole in their stomach? Life is short but sweet and perhaps it should stay that way.
With that in mind, it's important we celebrate the little things, those small moments that make everything worth while, like your first kiss, the birth of your first child, the 21st edition of Film School Friday... hells yeah! Let's get wrecked bitches!!! I keep checking the mail and while I haven't received any birthday cards or presents yet, I remain hopeful. I hear there's a new Chucky doll now out which won't stab you in the face... *COUGH AHEM I LOVE THOSE COUGH AHEM*. Join me then as we send out invites, hire a venue and light some candles for today's lesson.
Lesson #21 - How To Have An Awesome Birthday
You can't just sit back and hope that your birthday will be good. You'll need to meticulously plan and organize every second of your special day because no one else will get it right. You know what they say kids; organised fun is the best kind of fun. Really...everyone says so! Just ask Kristen Stewart, the very definition of charisma and joy...
uncle buckMake A Wish
The particularly lazy hillbillies among you may be reluctant to put any actual effort into organizing your birthday, so why not just save time and sort everything out with a birthday wish! The kid from Liar Liar wished his father would stop telling lies so he would spend more time with him. If I was him though, I would have wished for either some giant pancakes like the ones John Candy made in Uncle Buck or just a haircut. I always found it strange that Jim Carrey was unable to deceive people yet never found time to tell his son about the ferret attached to his head. They must have run out of time in the film due to Carrey's constant improvisations. Damn you funny man! THE TRUTH WILL OUT ITSELF ONE DAY!
Take Precautions
If you've seen The Birds, then you'll know that outside birthday parties are more dangerous than casting Lindsay Lohan in your movie, but that didn't stop Cathy Brenner from risking her life and it shouldn't stop you either. Just make sure you stock up on plenty of rice. Yes, you read that correctly. Rice. Buy as much rice as you can, leave it all around the birthday table and watch as the pigeons explode while eating it. Pigeons...nature's party poppers.
SixteenCandles09Security Measures
Hire some help. Security could stop little sh**s like Junior from Problem Child terrorising your guests and they could definitely keep an eye on demonic children trying to hang your nanny outside your bedroom window. Watch out for uninvited guests as well. You never know when aliens or even witches may show up, cursing the birthday gal with death for their sixteenth birthday. Poor Sleeping Beauty... at least Molly Ringwald got some at the end of her sweet sixteenth!
Dust Bunnies
When I think presents, I think toasters with up to three speed settings, but maybe that's just me and Frank from Old School. Let's think outside the box. What does every boy or girl dream of getting for their birthday? An ipad? A PS4? Mum and Dad getting back together again? Hmmm, none of those are quite right...wait, I got it! Magic wishing dust. Who needs material things like gadgets or a happy family when you can have magic wishing dust!? Put it on your present list, sprinkle it on a crappy dolls house and then BAM! You're 13 going on 30. Now most of you may not be a fan of doll houses or even turning 30 in Jennifer Garner's body, but it sure beats turning 30 in Logan's Run.
harrypottercakeBirthday Blues
Disappointed with your crappy exploding pigeons/magic wishing dust party? Abandon your family. That might sound harsh but Harry Potter left his adopted parents on his 11th birthday and that kind of turned out all right. The more sensible/boring among you may question why any 11 year old in his right mind would run away with a stranger the size of a freaking house, but that's movie land folks. "You're a kidnap victim Harry!" And parents, give your children every single thing they ask for on their birthday or you too may be attacked by an intruder who bashes the door down and gives you a pig tail on your butt. Don't say I didn't warn you. If it happened to Harry Potter's adopted family, then it could happen to anyone. That's a scientific fact.
I hope today's lesson has helped loyal readers plan how to have an awesome birthday. For further tips, watch the Danish movie Festen. If you haven't heard of the film, google it and then recoil in horror at what I just recommended. Also, don't forget; it's never too late to send Film School Friday presents for it's 21st edition or even for every edition after that. Weekly presents. That's what any writer wants and expects from a fan base that numbers in the single digits.
Next week, Film School Friday will defy all expectations with yet another holiday themed edition. This time, it's Valentine's Day. If you've just shrugged your shoulders at the lack of creative effort going into these themes, then count yourself lucky. As the months roll by and the creative juices dry up, I'll exploit more and more obscure holidays that no one's ever heard of so forget St Patrick's Day. Upcoming editions in March feature such hilariously wacky holidays as Pig Day and International Waffle Day. Don't say I didn't warn you...

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