Friday 21 March 2014

Film School Friday Lesson #25 - How To Annoy People At The Cinema

Last time, Film School Friday taught loyal readers how to direct a film in the style of M. Night Shyamalan. Some may dispute the utility of such a lesson but you know what? For the sake of democracy and all that is right in the world, we can't let him and Adam Sandler win all the Razzies. It's just getting boring now.
Now that you're the Spielberg of crap movies, what next? Well, you're clearly on a roll now, annoying audiences left, right and center  with moronic films like After Earth, but let's take things up a notch. Let's learn how to annoy audiences  inside the cinema itself, guerrilla style!
Lesson #25 - How To Annoy People At The Cinema
annoying_cinemaWe've all been there. You sit down in the cinema, trying your best to enjoy the film you've paid good money for, but all you can focus on is the asshole in front who seems to be intent on doing one thing and one thing only. Ruining the movie for everyone. Why would you want to become that guy?  
One word. Revenge.
Anyone who tells you that revenge is petty should... always be listened to, they're completely right and doesn't it just feel great? This lesson is for anyone who's ever been pissed off at the cinema by idiots who shouldn't be allowed to watch adult rated films because their mental age will forever remain in the single digits.
Volume Control
Talking. If I had to pick one thing that drives me insane at the cinema, it's talking. Aside from "oh s**t, the cinema is on fire!" or "what's that giant spider shaped thing crawling across your face?", there's not much that needs to be said out loud during a film, yet many people feel an innate need to raise their voice even louder than the movie itself. What's that about?
Next time you hear someone talking during a film, quietly sit behind them. Prep some vocal exercises beforehand if you can. Now imagine you've taken a blind friend to the cinema. They can be imaginary, but you get bonus points for actually bringing a stuffed dummy complete with a white stick and a seeing dog. Ok, now what you need to do is give a running commentary on everything you see and I mean everything. Yes, that is a nice shade of green in the carpet and yes, that zombie sure could use a good tan. To seal the deal, throw in the occasional question that everyone already knows the answer to. You'll drive everyone out before you know it.
cinema-food-300x179Snack Attack
MUNCH. SLURP. GULP. These are the sounds that haunt the dreams of every cinephile. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with eating food at the cinema, as snacks are clearly awesome, but why do they have to sell noisy munchies like nachos and sweets? Some people even make their snacks even noisier by rustling their bags and slurping out that tiny last drop of coke. It's. Just. One. Drop. I'm all for getting your money's worth but chill the hell out and stop slurping.  IT'S NOT  A POTION FOR ETERNAL YOUTH GODDAMMIT! IT'S JUST COKE!
Revenge time. Whatever food is pissing you off can also be used as a weapon. Someone's scraping the bottom of the popcorn bag? Give them a popcorn shower. Nachos crunching? Pour some coke on those bad boys and soften them up. Sweet wrappers rustling? Politely ask to have one. Sweets are just awesome.
Ignorant Savages
It's a sad fact but some people think that the anonymity of darkness basically gives them permission to do whatever they want. Would you answer a phone call and converse loudly in the middle of class or a business meeting? No! Would you deliberately choose to sit in front of people shorter than you even though every other seat in the damned cinema is empty? Hell to the no. And is it ok to leer like a pervert during intimate sex scenes, shouting out every sordid thing you want to do to the actors involved? Well... that depends on how hot they are but still! Keep it in your head people. 
For revenge, you could just try and mimic these savages to see if it pisses them off too but to be honest, they'll probably think it's the normal way to act and will carry on regardless, completely missing your point. That's why we have to get inventive.
Weapon X
First of all, have a baby. Ok, now hear me out. Raise that baby with ear muffs permanently attached to it's ears so it's voice is louder than average. Provide them with a constant supply of vitamin supplements and possibly stretch their legs if you need to. Finally, encourage them to say literally everything they think, no holds barred. Now when people piss you off in the cinema, give the kid a mobile phone and unleash the monstrosity into the auditorium. Then sit back and watch the sparks fly, laughing maniacally as years of labor and planning finally come to fruition.
Sure you'll be arrested by child services and your family will probably disown you but hey! At least people will think twice before they take up the whole armrest next to you and really, isn't that the most important thing?
Come back in two weeks to learn how to change your gender. You know, in case you're bored or something. 

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